There is one thing that many of us share in common: we’ve all encountered a bully at some point in our lives. Whether as children or adults, the bully might be a family member, a classmate, a co-worker, a boss, or even a stranger. These individuals often project their insecurities onto us—and sometimes, we unknowingly do the same to others.
Some people confront their bullies and put a stop to the harassment. They speak up, question, or stand their ground. Others choose to ignore the behavior and wait for it to fade away. In either case, the bully eventually disappears—whether due to a change in school, job, or a confrontation that pushes them away.
But there’s one bully that never leaves us: the voice inside our heads.
Not the one we use to speak to others, but the inner voice that runs constantly in our minds. Every day, we experience thousands of thoughts. Among them are a few negative ones. Some are harmless, like “I spilled sauce on my new shirt.” But others can be deeply damaging:
“I failed.”
“Why am I like this?”
“Why am I not happy?”
“I’m not smart.”
“Why did I do that?”
The moment we encounter something we don’t like about ourselves, the inner bully amplifies it. For some, these thoughts pass quickly. But for others, they linger for years.
If you struggle with this inner bully, here’s a realization that changed my perspective:
How can I be bullied in my own mind?
We give this bully its power. When a negative thought arises, I remind myself: “I am not going to be bullied in my own head.” This shift in perspective is powerful. We can change the narrative.
It’s important to recognize that the voice of the bully isn’t entirely our own. It’s a mixture of the voices we’ve internalized over time—parents, teachers, friends, and even strangers. When the bully speaks up, try acknowledging it: “I don’t appreciate that thought,” and then intentionally reframe it.
We also need to remember that, as humans, we have a tendency to want to be right. The bully will search through our memories for “evidence” to support its negative claims. But the script can be flipped. Once we recognize the pattern, it becomes easier to catch these thoughts and redirect them.
I’ve experienced this personally. Sometimes, while talking to someone, I’ll feel like the conversation is awkward or that the other person thinks I’m boring. Even though they haven’t said anything of the sort, my inner bully fills in the blanks. In those moments, I bring myself back to center—I touch my fingertips together, take a deep breath, and intentionally focus on a color or shift my thoughts. I remind myself that there is no clear evidence to support these negative assumptions. It’s just my mind, spewing nonsense.
I have control over my thoughts.
I will not be bullied in my own mind.
And neither should you.